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The Incredible Yet Ultimately Uninspiring Return of​.​.​.

by The Alcoholic Freshman

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1.
And now for your listening and entertainment pleasure, I proudly present songs that are marginally better. It's the incredible, yet ultimately uninspiring return of ME! I've pulled out all the stops and opened my bag of tricks to play for you some music of no significance.
2.
Fraught with grief as you watch his acceptance speech in your air conditioned homes on your brand new plasma screens. You grind your teeth. Shake your head in Disbelief. And collapse onto all four on your polished hardwood floors. If this is the worst, we've got quite a favorable curse. Complaining about our first world problems. Don't say it's the worst that it could be. We've got life and Jeep Liberties to pursue with all our tax refund dollars. You clench your fists as you pour the comments. And you type out your two cents with a small dash of vengeance. With surgeon like precision, you defend your disposition. And your counter points seem fair but you forget that no one cares. He concedes defeat and the crowd begins to weep. The tears fall from their cheeks to their freshly paved streets. And all their hopes and dreams are rendered obsolete. And the things that they held dear have slowly become all the things that they feared.
3.
(Mad props to anyone that can actually tell me what the intro vocoder part says) Omaha seems like a dirty word ever since the moment that I heard about their marketing ingenuity. Yeah, they've been so brave. They told everyone the work late. So erect those signs on the interstate. And command all the commuters to celebrate. It's a great place for us to embrace. So let's all get married on the silicon prairie. I don't care about my home town. I only care about my bank account. And if Omaha can increase that amount, I'll build their brands and I'll shake their hands. So creative types, let's all gather round and pay tribute to that Nebraska town. We'll innovate, or rather imitate. We'll take the same course, but we'll do it way worse. And two by two, we'll march into small groups and dismiss each other's concepts without proof. And we'll do the things that creatives do, like swill our lattes and eat organic food. Never doing that again. Unless it pays out dividends, I never will again. Unless it pays for my vacation, I never will again. Unless it pays for my yacht and my lavish private island, I never will again. O come on, this is painful, joyless, and disdainful. But my fat wallet's thankful for Omaha.
4.
There's a tap, tap, tappin' on my window seal. A noise that's poised to climb inside and kill. Is my mind playin' tricks on me or is it no big deal? Can't decide so I lie quietly here still. There's a ring, ring, ring-a-lingin' on my phone. A call coming in from someone who's unknown. It might be the local banker Frank calling back about the loan. But I guess it's best if I just let it go. I'm content to let it go. I intend to never know. If it's meant to be, it'll show. But until it appears, I'll lay low. There's a knock, knock, knock-knockin' on my door. It might be the package I ordered from the store. Of course, it might be more bad news related to the war. But I'm torn, so I'll sit here and ignore. There's a shout callin' out from down the street. HEY! A scream that seems determined to turn me. A friend of mine just wonderin' if my family's doin' fine? But I run away and never look behind.
5.
6.
I used to try to rock n roll, but I only rolled up more debt. I used to try to sleep around, but I only woke up with regret. What's the point of cookin' anything new? It's possible you might get burned. If you stop to smell the flowers you might get stung by a bee. Then you'll never return. You say "ice cream", but I just scream when the whole thing melts in my hand. You say, "I do", but I say, "I don't", and away from the chapel I ran. (Face melting guitar solo) You see a home, but I see the loan that I'll pay off 'till I'm dead in the ground. You see a tree, but I see liability when the branches all come crashin' down. What's the point of writing any new songs? It's possible nobody will hear them. If you never try, I guess you'll never succeed. But you'll never be disappointed.
7.
The temperatures rise and it melts the ice. But I'm not gonna cry, cause I'm not gonna try. I'm not changing the world anytime soon. You love that mink, but they're goin' extinct. If you ask me what I think. I'd smile and with a wink, I'd say, "I'm not changing the world anytime soon". There's probably 500 million ways to take a stand and make a change. But I'm just gonna sit idly by and do anything but that. Ask not what your country can do for you...but what you can do to exploit it, dude. And get filthy rich and swim naked in all the cash that you accrue. Yellowstone has a volcano that will erupt and kill us all. Let the cards fall where they fall. I'm not changing the world anytime soon. Save the trees or the manatees. That's one too many things, so I've stopped listening. I'm not changing the world anytime soon. Apathy, sweet apathy. I'm happily free of agony. I'm fast asleep and there's no chance I'll ever get woke. How can you just sit there face to face with the reality that you'll live your entire life not knowing if you could've made a difference? That's obscene! What won't you just get woke?
8.
When I was younger, I made a mistake. I put the car in neutral at Clinton County Lake. Backwards we rolled, my siblings and I towards the cliff where we would crash and burn and die. Sail away, sail away across the Clinton County Dam. The things you can't explain aren't that hard to understand. Sail away, sail away into utter helplessness. If faith requires proof, I've got damning evidence. Seven years before some random guy named Greg (OR CRAIG), working for the state, marked an "x" with orange paint. He dug a hole and firmly planted there the sign that stuck in the rear axle and promptly saved my life. And my mother had another chance to hug and kiss her sons. And my father hugged his daughter and I lived to write this song.

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released September 28, 2018

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The Alcoholic Freshman Saint Joseph, Missouri

I played shows, wrote songs, made friends, and had fun. To all those who still care after all these years, Cheers!

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